wyldmusings.co.uk

And so, here I am, having churned out 50,277 words (and a few hundred more, according to the boffs at NaNoWriMo) over the course of 19 days.  It’s been deeply frustrating for me, as I wasn’t able to get my mini-novel (still struggling to call it a novel) verified and technically cross the finish line until today, when they officially opened the winners’ section of the website.

Today, I also asked Michael if he wants to read it.  The first time I’ve actually felt comfy with the possibility that someone has to.  Because I haven’t been near it since I finished.  I’m so afraid that it’ll be an even bigger pile of old shite than originally estimated.

At around 40,000 words, I started to get this nagging feeling that the immense goal-like finish I anticipated wouldn’t actually happen.  I wondered if, once there, I would simply think, ’so, what now then?’ so it was no surprise at all when this was how I DID feel.  And still do.  Yes, I have encouraging, wonderfully kind people all around me, assuring me of my recent achievement but I didn’t feel that ecstatic moment upon completion that I imagined all authors must feel.  I remember, I felt relieved it was done.

I’m wondering if it’s partly the negative state of mind that’s causing the flop, though.  I feel intrinsically OK, but also feel a bit itchy and twitchy and, as a result, am more determined than ever to occupy my thoughts over the impending cold months.  I have an idea for a new novel, which I’ll work on at a slower pace, but regularly.  I also have some other plans which may or may not come to fruition, but heck, it’s a start.

For now, though, I’ve downloaded the ‘winners’ goodies’ from the NaNoWriMo site (I dont know what I was expecting, but felt a tad disappointed with the photo and home-made certificate – daft me, as it’s a free project, after all) and am trying to feel proud of myself.  I think I feel satisfied that I’ve actually achieved something, despite not have enjoyed much of the doing.  So that’ll do – for now.

Three good friends of mine have all had their babies in the last week.  Kirstie and Bryany both had little boys and Rachel has had a daughter this morning.  Last Saturday would’ve been my due date and although I remembered it, I no longer feel sad about what might have been and I’m very excited to hear about all the new arrivals – and overjoyed for all my lovely friends.

I’m considering my novel as MY new baby.  And as such, I suppose I’ll need to nurture it a lot to help it mature in good health.  But one thing’s for certain – it won’t keep me awake at night.

Thank you all for your valuable words of encouragement this month – in truth, I think it was the fear of letting you all down that spurred me on.